Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you

It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it

So tell me

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Then with that I know it maybe foolish to hope and tormenting to keep that sliver of bright shiny stuff that is hope alive.

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

Then there are also things that I can not share that invade my mind, things that if I were to unleash them would destroy all in the path of that knowledge. These thoughts are not so destructive to myself if kept bottled up within me and would seem eloquent if spoken in a way to skew the details or to surgically omit various details would seem like pedals from a rose slipping silently down to the earth. Yet the impact would be like an earthquake and the tremors would send shockwaves destroying so much. So I keep these to myself and yet I am drawn to the danger of it and wonder could I let slip the hounds and the fury. Then too I am drawn to walk the path along the edge of the razor and perhaps damn myself in the process.

The darkness there makes me question if in fact I have within me a soul. I lie awake and stare into the darkness while my thoughts light and dark swim in the electrical storm that is my mind. Slowly I�ll slip off into the arms of slumber unless I aid the process and silence my thoughts with spirits.

Yet even then my dreams have become a torment as of late. Images flood in good and bad. They are memories and hopes. Images of who I would want to be and things I would hope for in my life. Yet the darker things are in constant war within my dreams. Conflict and chaos storm and tear down that which could be, things that have been, those that I long to change, those which I couldn�t prevent. Haunting mental pictures flicker within my slumbering mind. At times I feel mostly numb and entombed and begin to accept the bleak and desolate fate that surely is mine to hold. Then either in my salvation or to my downfall my subconscious betrays my heart and hope lives on in even my dreams.

While I know I�m not falling down into some black abyss, I awake to disappointment and empty space. So much like the precipice I stare into in my dreams teetering on edge so close to slipping in to an eternal freefall. Even in the dark awake my heart not even beating I can tell I�m alone. Falling back on to the bed wishing to sink further down into some forgotten place and disappear. Then I�ll drift back to sleep and the images come again and I wonder if I were to take that step over the edge in my dreams would I fall forever or slam down upon the unseen surface below and lie there broken and dying. Or would that small light of hope carry me aloft and soar into the heavens. I finally awake confused and still burdened and the storms rage on. I hide my eyes at times for fear that if some one were to look too deeply they would see the swirling chaos hidden behind them.

My head tells me to accept things the way that they are and move forward but my heart says never give up, never lie down, never quit, brave on like Ajax and Achilles better to die slain upon the field battle worn and wounded than to slip silent into the arms of Thanatos.

So I take my place alone, worn and weary standing in the field armored save for my heart unprotected accursed son of Eros bleeding on the freshly fallen snow like Paris my bloodied hands out stretched toward that which was my promised fate but always seems to be just beyond my reach.

Have a great day and even better tomorrow. Play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao

Listening to: Z101

Wearing: White button up, gray slacks, black socks, white t-shirt crew neck, belt, gray boots, gray boxer briefs, silver ring left hand, black cord necklace and my watch.

Drinking: coffee

Eating: nada

Current Invisible Army Mission: October/November 2003

Write me: Don, PO Box 4425, Roanoke, VA 24015

IM me: invisibledon on MSN, invisible980 on AIM

E-mail: [email protected]

Song lyrics: Liz Phair �Why Can�t I� and Dido �White flag�

Quote : Jules in Pulp Fiction

Last night I slept for: 6 hours � drunk sleep too so that was fun

Last IM was from: Ixora05

Search engine hit du jour:

- Invisibledon

- Micro � bikinis � Bikini-Beach

Motto: �The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."