Doodle is becoming a little gothic princess, she had been waiting for her Emily Strange t-shirt to be delivered. However UPS was holding her shirt hostage. Apparently UPS has a thing about pissing off 11 year old girls. Which in turn frustrates the hell out of their dads.

See there is a logical reason why Dad�s are so nice to their daughters. When our little girls are pissed off it sends some subatomic message to the dad�s cerebral cortex that makes us want to deliver severe bodily harm to whom ever it is that is causing the frustration in our daughters life. We, Dad�s, don�t care about justice at this point. We must kill or be killed. This is true unless the daughter is being a brat then when the �daddy my life sucks because�� message is delivered it is rerouted to the �ground the spoiled child� sector of the brain. The �ground the child� part of the brain then sends a disregard message to the �kill whom ever is causing frustration to your daughter� part of the brain. The disregard message will then cause a chemical to secrete making us immune to the first subatomic message. Thus preventing dads from a lot of self inflicted physical harm. Sadly some fathers are born without the ability to decipher between the two messages. That is an altogether different tragedy that we may discuss at some later date. However when the first subatomic message was sent and received no disregard message was sent so my death ray was focused on UPS.

Mainly doodle was very patient with this until UPS showed they were indeed idiots. In all of this I did manage to hide the UPS delivery cards from her not because I wasn't hiding the fact that they hadn�t delivered the package. This was to keep her from getting the 800 number to call and unleash all of her 11-year-old fury on the person who answered the phone. I�m not sure I�m ready to see what kind of telephone skills doodle has picked up in the last year from living on and off with CPG. There are enough examples of CPG�s phone skills in this journal to speak to her being less then polite on the phone.

If you work for UPS I�m sure you are a fine upstanding individual and are normally a very nice person � I won�t hold it against you as a personality flaw if you are employed by UPS. You may however find it unpleasant to read further. Don�t say I didn�t warn you later. K

The idiots at UPS finally delivered the package after a much longer saga than was needed and several heated phone calls. To sum up before I get into the details UPS sucks big fat donkey %$#@*&%^ in case you�re interested. They really pissed me off if you can�t tell hence the rant. Here are a few of the highlights.

Some things for the UPS T-shirt Hostage crisis:

ME: I left a note on my door that says, UPS please deliver after 5pm and have asked UPS drivers to put a note for my address to deliver after 5 p.m.

I had the same agreement with UPS drivers at my previous address

UPS OPERATOR: Oh I�m sorry that isn�t possible. Our drivers will not do that.

ME: They did

UPS OPERATOR: No sir I�m afraid you are wrong.

ME: Excuse me but check your records for the delivery times on your computer database...

UPS OPERATOR: I can not access that information but I�m sure you are wrong

ME: Thinking isn�t the customer right? Not always right, just right you know occasionally but I guess not with UPS. You can be called a liar to your face basically.

Strangest statement made:

UPS OPERATOR: No we will not bring a package when it is convenient for the customers our drivers deliver the route as they see fit.

My Call with local UPS person not on the 1 800 number

UPS FACILTIY SUPERVISOR: The driver shouldn�t even check a box stating when they are going to return they just do it when ever they feel like it.

ME: (to the Fac. Sup.) OH really that�s why I took off time from work on two separate days to meet your driver. This was based on your pre-printed informational post it notes with your logo on it that said the driver will re-attempt to deliver this package at such and such a time on this date.

UPS FACILTIY SUPERVISOR: No sir that doesn�t mean anything as a matter of fact I�m going to tell all the drivers to not check those boxes.

ME: Oh that is going to solve your problem go and make a company policy for your own little regional offices. I think you�ll end up with a ton more unhappy phone calls. Ma�am

Other stuff from UPS Saga

UPS LIE NUMBER One

No your package can not be given to another driver it is assigned to a single driver until it is delivered

TRUTH� mine had three.

UPS LIE NUMBER Two

NO our drivers are not required to return at any specific time � the driver who made the delivery who was actually driver two told driver three to return after 5. When does driver three come by my place? 9:30 and 4:30, neither of which is after 5pm.

TRUTH � The package was delivered by driver number two at 520 p.m. He also related that the other two drivers are pinheads who just like to get off work as early as possible to go drinking.

UPS LIE NUMBER Three

Yes we will make an attempt to deliver your pack on Wednesday after 5 p.m.

TRUTH � did they? No they did not.

There are a ton more lies involved in all of this not to mention that the operators at the 800 number were robotic in their answers which are scripted and they are told to repeat the same answer over and over again. No we can not do that, no we can not do that, no we can not do that� If you could reach into the phone line at this point no matter how calm you are you would choke the life out of the person.

GRRR ARG and stuff. Sugar Honey Iced Tea (it spells SHIT, if you didn�t catch it). Disney does that in their movies if you haven�t noticed instead of swearing they spell out curse words in sentences. Listen and you will see. Sly and crafty bastard that Mickey.

So back to the UPS freakshow.

Their ultimate suggestion to me was that I drive to the facility and pick up the package myself.

WTF

Normally I wouldn�t mind doing this if it were really impossible for me to get home to pick up a package. Not this time. I stood my ground I paid you fools to bring it to me. And I�ll be damned if I�m driving out to BFE in the phucking county to pick up a package that I paid to have delivered to my house after I�ve left early from work not once but twice to meet drivers who left information stating that they would be there after 5 p.m. and then don�t show up at all or come when ever they damn well please.

Well I will be pleased, Ms. FAC. SUP. If you get the package to me at my home after 5p.m. as your driver said they would on two separate occasions.

Also why is it that where ever you live UPS will find the most remote dumb phuck place to put their facilities � I mean really WTF? Do you all have a thing about keeping people pissed off or what?

�What can brown do for me?�

They can kiss my @$$

Sugar honey iced tea

Have a great day and an even better tomorrow. Have fun and play nice in the neighborhood. And if you would like please vote for me on the Top 100 Diaryland diaries thing and sign something if you were in the neighborhood.

Ciao

Listening to: Z101

Wearing: The work clothes sort of White button-down, blue tie, gray slacks, boots, black socks, no glasses but the are on the desk, white T-shirt crew neck, black boxer briefs, belt, silver ring, black cord necklace and my watch.)

Drinking: Coffee

Eating: nothing

Current Invisible Army Mission: April 2003

Write me: Don, PO Box 4425, Roanoke, VA 24015

IM me: invisibledon on MSN, invisible980 on AIM

E-mail: [email protected]

Song lyrics: none right now

Last night I slept for: 6 hours

Search engine hit du jour: right to bear arms � I actually said support your right to arm bears because I was down with our species that day basically because a large percentage of the morons where parading by me.