Where to start with bad news. That is the odd thing about bad news you never know where to start with saying things people don�t want to hear. How do you send out bad news? There isn�t really a good way to ease into it and then even easing into the bad thing when it comes it is still like a hammer being slammed through a pane of glass.

The call I received from the peacemaker at 7:15 p.m. on Sunday July 20th was a hammer. He had to tell me that our father (A.K.A. the alpha unit) had died.

I remember the phone ringing and looking down at the caller ID and saw the familiar number from the Asylum staring back at me. Usually when I saw this number pop up on the ID I would be filled with a feeling of I don�t want to answer the phone because it was sure to start off easy enough and then develop into an argument about one thing or another. Strangely I didn�t feel that way at all this time. I was actually looking forward to talking to the Alpha unit. We never had a really close relationship but in the last few months had been making some steps to having a better relationship. There were a lot walls built up between us on both sides.

So when I heard the Peacemaker�s voice was on the other end I didn�t connect it with anything associated with my father. Mainly because the Peacemaker is going through a divorce which is getting messy and my mind went to that issue. The peacemaker didn�t ease into the new and just started with the hammer that came shattering down. I don�t blame him or even think he was being cold because having to make that call was hard enough. The reality of it didn�t hit right away. I even asked if he was serious. My mind was trying to come to terms with the finality of it all and the helplessness of being 300 miles away. Thinking about his stress standing mere feet away from our lifeless father. Then I asked how. He, the peacemaker, didn�t know.

We immediately had to figure out how to first get in touch with our mother in Florida and getting her back home quickly and calling relatives. The peacemaker did get in touch with our mother a few minutes before I did. When she answered the phone she was composed enough so I asked if she had talked to the peacemaker. She immediately broke down but was relived that she didn�t have to tell me the bad news. She couldn�t stay on the phone. I can�t imagine being in the middle of Disney World and finding out one of the worst possible things you could hear. It would seem almost hellish to be starting the grieving process in the midst of all the cheerful people.

I began calling family members and then my friends, and work to get the time off. Trying to ease it to the bad news but finding it difficult to be anything but straight forward.

My father�s death was sudden and very unexpected. It also appears that he died in his sleep which if anything can be a blessing that would be one especially in his case. He received a heart transplant 7 and half years ago. One worry he had was dying in a hospital with all the tubes and wires attached to him. Having gone through all that with the transplant knew what that felt like and didn�t want his last days to be lying in a hospital looking up at family members standing by helplessly as he died. He had seen those faces before.

I remember him calling me at 2:30 one morning 7 and half years ago. I was asleep and knew the call could be coming. He called and said they found a match and he would be going into surgery soon. That meant he would be dead for a period of time and might not get through the surgery. The really ironic thing about a heart transplant is that the doctors have to kill you to make you well again. That call was a rough one to talk on, especially when you and the person should have a good relationship but don�t have a close bond. What do you ask? What do you say? Knowing that this may indeed be the last thing you ever say to the person. Hanging up the phone was tough in the early hours of the day. Then I didn�t really sleep much after that I had half a dozen things to get done before I could leave and drive to the hospital in Cleveland. The whole time my mind thought of things to say wondering why our relationship hadn�t been better.

He beat the odds of surviving the procedure having been a diabetic since he was 11 years old. He also beat the odds that most heart transplant recipients only live about four years after the surgery.

There are a lot of sad and happy things in this as well and things that made his passing more hectic. As I mentioned My mother (AKA beta unit) and my brother, the other one, were in Florida for his birthday and were in Disney World when they got the news of his death.

I feel really badly for my brother in that forever now his birthday will be tied to the death of our father. While he is counting his own milestones in his life there will be a constant reminder on that day for all of us that with each passing year it is another one without our father. I can only think that this will ring much more deeply for him.

My day had started off well enough that Sunday I was ending a visit with one of my father�s nephews in North Carolina. It was a good visit and we had talked a lot about growing up and strangely enough about our relationships with our fathers.

On the way back I made good time and was looking forward to picking up stunt-boy so we could do some things that day. I thought about calling my dad a few times on the way back to the �Noke but the times I did there was either no service or I was in an area where I need to be paying attention to road signs so I didn�t get lost.

Well as per usual CPG was a bitch when I went to pick up stunt-boy and claimed to have forgotten that I was picking him up. Then she refused to bring several of his things over. She constantly has to make things difficult in our divorce. I try to stay on the high road in my dealings with her but I was not in a good mood when I received the call from the Peacemaker. That really placed her in perspective even more so, I still have to endure all her fucking pettiness and stupidity but she is insignificant.

Then trying to get in touch with CPG because doodle was staying with her because she had camp the next morning. Well CPG refused to answer her phone the rest of the day. So I wasn�t able to tell doodle about her grandfather dying until nearly 11p.m.

Even then you would think that CPG would put aside her differences and refrain from making some fucking petty, self-absorbed comment and say something nice even if it wasn�t sincere. However when it comes to basic human dignity I think it is not in her nature and is completely incapable of breaking away from her usual hateful uncaring self and made a comment which very nearly got her head knocked off her shoulders.

Finally after calling all her girl friends and tracking her down she called. Because of the lateness I had to tell doodle the bad news over the phone. Doodle insisted that CPG bring her to my house but hadn�t taken the news very well and was crying on the phone. CPG brought doodle by my house. Doodle immediately ran over to me we hugged. CPG just hung around and stood there in the distance and I wanted her to leave. Doodle and I talked all the while CPG just lurking at a ten foot distance. I comforted her and told her things would be ok and then asked her if she wanted to go to camp or not. She wasn�t sure but wanted to go to camp. I assured doodle that she should go ahead and go to her camp because her grandfather would want her to have fun and enjoy herself. She went inside to get a few things she wanted to take to camp with her that she had forgotten at my place. While doodle was inside CPG tells me, �You aren�t taking stunt-boy with you, you will just fuck him up.�

I said, �He has been to several funerals and this will not be a bad thing, and if we were still together this would not even be an issue so you need to shut your mouth.�

CPG says, �I don�t know why you are fucking even bothering the kids didn�t even fucking like your fucking father anyway!�

I bit my tongue for a moment and finally said, � You need to just not say another word �� Doodle came out of the house right then so the conversation ended there. I told Doodle bye and that I would see her on Friday when she got back from camp.

I didn�t sleep much that night thinking of a lot of things. There is more to say but I�m still trying to gather my thoughts on those things

Also thank you to everyone who left notes and messages and even mentioned my loss in their own diaries those things mean so much

Ciao

Listening to: Z101

Wearing: White button up, white T-shirt crew neck, gray slacks, black socks, boots, white boxer briefs, belt, black cord necklace, thumb ring and my watch.

Motto:

Drinking: coffee with cream

Eating: nada

Current Invisible Army Mission: July 2003

Write me: Don, PO Box 4425, Roanoke, VA 24015

IM me: invisibledon on MSN, invisible980 on AIM

E-mail: [email protected]

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Last night I slept for: 5 hours

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